An example of why I should never make doctor’s appointments for myself

Last year, as I was sitting on the couch one night, my shoulder began to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. And I felt something kind of…thick…so I pulled away to look at my fingers only to find a small brown spot and blood in my nails. Eww, I know. I looked, and it turns out it was a mole that just decided to rip off. I mentioned it to Chris and then didn’t really think anymore more about it although he kept saying “You know, you really should get that looked at.”

And then, six months later, I went to scratch a different part of my shoulder and felt something rip. So I pulled away and once again saw the brown spot, this time sans blood. And I looked where I was scratching, and another goddamn mole was missing. So I mentioned it to Chris, and then looked where the first one used to be and OMG, IT’S BACK! But, once again, I ignored it and he kept saying “You know, you really REALLY need to get that looked at.”

So then, the other night, I’m sitting on the couch and all of a sudden a small spot on my back begins to really hurt so I go to touch it and OMG IT HURTS TO TOUCH! And I can’t see it…so I have Chris take a look at it, terrified it’s a zit, but even more terrified it’s possibly a mole that is getting ready to fall off. And it’s a mole, all big and irritated and hurty. And I try to ignore it, and ignore Chris’ “If you don’t make a goddamn appointment THIS WEEK, I’m telling your dad.” But I can’t ignore it. Because now I’m freaking. Because when I was in my first trimester I had a dream I had cancer while I was pregnant, and they couldn’t really do much, so I had to fight it. So now, I’m all like “OMG I HAVE CANCER!” Not to mention my grandpa has had melanoma twice now and he doesn’t even use tanning beds.

So I made an appointment to finally get it checked out today, first by my family doctor and then onto a dermatologist if she sees fit. But they couldn’t get me in this afternoon, so I have to wait until tomorrow morning. Which would normally be fine, if I didn’t spend all night googling melanoma symptoms and looking at pictures of cancerous moles and comparing them to the one on my back that grew back. So, I’m all sitting on the couch like, “what if it is cancer?” And he’s says, “then they’ll get rid of it.” And I say, “what if it’s spread tho? And it’s all over my back??” And he says, “I doubt it’s spread all over your back.” And I say, “But what if it has, and now it’s spread to my kidney’s and that’s why my pee smells like ramen now!?” And he’s all like, “I seriously doubt that’s the case.” And I say, “So then why does my pee smell like ramen? HUH!?” And then he laughs and turns Chuck on.

So, now I’m all nervous and don’t want to go to bed because when I wake up in the morning I have to go to the doctor. And mom is coming with me, but I really wish Chris was too, so that if she’s like “Yea, that doesn’t look too good” I can all cry on him and don’t have to bother him at work. But mom is coming with me so I can cry on her and she can call him if all of a sudden they are like “Shit. Here is a list of oncology doctors in the surrounding area.” And then I *really* need to go get our marriage certificate so Aetna won’t deny my claims.

So anyway, it’s skin cancer awareness month. Wear sunscreen, stay out of the tanning beds and go get a goddamn skin check.

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