The first official fever

Last night, in one word, sucked. And now, I’m completely racked with guilt. Caitlin has her first official “sickness.” I’m not sure what it is, probably just a cold, but it sucks. She has her daddy’s sinus’ so runny noses, hayfever and the such were a common occurance last Spring when she was a newborn, and this year it hasn’t been horrible luckily. But this was is different. She has an actual fever. Not high enough for me to justify wasting our doctor’s time knowing there won’t be much they are willing to do, but high enough for her to feel miserable. Which causes me to feel miserable. And the lack of food I’ve eaten in a two day span causes me to feel even more miserable. She’s never had a bad fever before that wasn’t caused by vaccinations, so this was slightly off-putting to me. Her body just feels like it’s on fire at times. I’m trying to keep the house cool so she can be comfortable, but I always remember how cold I get when I’m sick, and I huddle to myself to keep warm. So, I’m kind of at a loss as how to tell if she’s comfortable temperature wise or not. Right now, the fever seems to have gone down significantly, but I did give her some medicine so she would feel okay enough to eat a little breakfast. But I know in a couple of hours it will wear off and once again she’ll be burning up and feeling horrible.

Last night tho? Oh my God. All I wanted was to eat a bowl of Trix then some strawberries and bananas. However, I can’t eat when Caitlin is free-roaming the house because after she sees me eating, she wants to sit in my lap and gets angry when I try to put anything to my lips. I waited forever to eat the cereal, but she wasn’t going to bed anytime soon and Chris started talking about going to bed himself. I just wanted to eat my cereal. And all I had managed to eat for dinner prior to that was four (yes, four) pizza rolls because he ate all the rest of them before I could. I had to share with Caitlin and then clean up the mess when she decided she didn’t like the pizza rolls. So I only got four while he ate the rest. Just like yesterday with the bagel bites (we eat such healthy food, don’t we?). I got five. He ate 13. Anyway, so I got four pizza rolls, and all I wanted was a bowl of cereal. So eventually, he tried to lay with her so I could eat it and that lasted a whole, like, four bites. And then she climbed up in my lap, crying. So right then and there I was already getting frustrated. I finally got her to sleep in my lap but when I went to put her in her crib, she woke up and stayed up. At 930 I could tell it was going to be a super sucky long night. Finally, I gave up on not going to bed hungry and crawled into bed with her, at which point she cried and fussed because she couldn’t get comfortable. After about two hours of tossing and turning and whining she would fall asleep for about an hour. And then wake up for another two hours of misery. I just couldn’t take it, oh my god. I was hungry and tired and cranky and she was cranky and Chris was cranky. It was not a fun night to be at our house. I honestly don’t know how I survived without killing someone and eating their flesh because I was that goddamn hungry. It was an all night cycle of her waking up crying, and me waking up foaming at the mouth wanting to just rip Chris’ arm off because I’m like a rabid bear lately.

I feel really horrible. Poor baby wasn’t feeling good at all and I was pissed because she wouldn’t let me eat and then sleep. But she seems to have forgiven my hormonal, hunger induced rage. Hopefully this passes soon.

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2 Responses

  1. Awwwww, you. Everybody has moments like this, and they suck so bad! I am so sorry it was your turn to feel guilty and inadequate . . . I hate that feeling.

    You just get through it. You do. And soon there will be lovely moments again, made more lovely by the recognition that you have survived the hell that went before.

    That’s what motherhood’s about . . . long stretches of boring, punctuated by times of despair, and then joy.

    It’s a fricking roller coaster ride.

    Buckle up.

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