Down the rabbit hole

I don’t have a lot to say a lot lately. Let me rephrase that, I don’t have a lot of funny stuff to say lately.

I’m just an angry, anxious, frustrated mess who cries a lot lately.

An angry, anxious, frustrated mess who cries a lot and feels overwhelmed by life surrounding her.

An angry, anxious, frustrated mess who cries a lot, feels overwhelmed by life and hasn’t had a good night sleep in a couple of nights. And can no longer blame it on Caitlin not sleeping. Because she has been. In her own bed. All night.

I should probably add terrified in there somewhere. Terrified by the prospect of this baby coming before I’m ready, or before he’s ready. Terrified because I know something is wrong, but I feel like no one (not my doctor’s at least) is listening. Terrified because…well…I’m feeling lost.

I’ve dehydrated myself twice this week from crying profuse amounts. I’ve woken up several times with a headache that was so painful, it put childbirth to shame. I toss and turn all night, which doesn’t exactly give Chris the most restful sleep. I cuddle up with Caitlin in the mornings after he goes to work, praying for time to just stop for a couple of hours so we can relax, but it doesn’t. And soon it’s time for life to begin again.

The same thing everyday. And I feel like no matter how hard I try to make things easier on myself, the more it becomes unraveled. I feel myself becoming unraveled. I feel myself disconnecting. And it sucks. I’ve done my best to ignore these feelings and stay above water, not let anyone realize how quickly I feel myself buckling under the weight of everything, and then something happens and I break.

I tell Chris everything is going to be okay (I believe it). I tell Caitlin everything is going to be okay (I believe it). I tell my mom everything is going to be okay (I believe it).

Chris tells me everything is going to be okay (I don’t believe it). My mom tells me everything is going to be okay (I don’t believe it). I tell myself everything is going to be okay (I don’t believe it).

I know I’m lucky, I have amazing family I can rely on. I have amazing parents who are there if we need them, a sister I can call on when I need someone, brothers who would do anything they could do, and a husband who loves me and won’t let me break.

But sometimes, I just feel like I’m breaking…and then…I’m broken. And I become an angry, anxious, frustrated mess who cries a lot.

But everything will be okay. I’ll get back in the saddle soon and everything will work itself out. I just need to believe that.

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3 Responses

  1. I know you’re anxious & don’t believe it
    But everything WILL be OK
    I’m rooting for you!!

    JT
    x
    (PS – in Australia, ROOTING means having sex!!)

  2. I am stopping by from SITS today.
    I am so sorry about all of the things you are going through right now. It is so hard to be pregnant with a little one to take care of as well. Add the hormones in and a woman can be a real mess.

    I do not know what you think is happening with your baby, but I do have to say that most of the time, the mother’s instinct is an awesome thing. I pray you are able to find peace and you have a healthy baby boy soon.

    • Thank you so much for stopping by!
      It’s really irritating when I tell the doctors that my maternal instinct is telling me something is off, like the baby is going to be coming soon, or there is something wrong in there and they roll their eyes at me. Thank you for your words of comfort and hopefully everything will be okay for the next 8 weeks.

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