Summer Cleaning Tips-or-Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me

It’s summer time and we  all know what that means, barbecue, sitting on your front porch, mowing the lawn, proving to your neighbor you’re not a bunch of trash, but instead the harsh winter and Snowpocalypse just kind of screwed you over. So here are some awesome things to keep in mind when you’re out there cleaning up…

  1. If you haven’t cleaned the front or back yard properly since you moved in 15 months ago, it’s probably not a good idea to take this on when you’re alone…and you’re eight months pregnant…not to mention that, even tho you told your mom it probably wasn’t warm enough to go swimming today, it’s suddenly went from a very pleasant 75 degrees to feeling like you were on the sun. Oh, and you’re wearing a black wife-beater and your husband’s black high school gym shorts. So, just wait until Saturday rolls around and your husband is home to help you, for your own sake.
  2. When hosing off the back patio, don’t bother trying to get ALL the dirt off of it. It won’t happen. Especially if your dog was outside with you while you were doing this, because he will run through the water, then into the dirt, creating muddy paw prints all over your freshly hosed patio.
  3. Speaking of hosing something off, you should probably hose the steps off PRIOR to hosing off the patio. The dirt will just go onto the patio, causing you to continue to hose the patio for another 45 minutes.
  4. No matter how many times you circle the back yard, you will not find every piece of bitten up hose/tupperware container. In fact, there is probably still a crap ton out there, but you just won’t see it until you’re not looking for it. It hides.
  5. Spraying a large spider’s web from several feet away will not destroy it. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will just piss off the (I’m assuming) large spider that lives there when it gets back.
  6. You should wait for Saturday and your husband can help you just so he can fix the spigot in the back yard so you don’t have to drag the hose over the fairly tall privacy fence. You’re going to have to go back and forth 8 billion times to ensure all the knots are out of it anyway, so save yourself the energy and JUST WAIT.
  7. 50 ft of chicken wire is not heavy at all, however, 10 lbs of ice melt is extremely heavy. Your daughter’s wagon will come in handy.
  8. It can also hold all of your husband’s tools that are just sitting on your front porch waiting to be stolen.
  9. You’re going to have to face the biggest, most disgusting black widow ever so keep a hoe ready, otherwise you’re going to die. No joke. x_x <–that’s you dead.
  10. Bags of weeds are very heavy, and black widows like to hide underneath them apparently. Lift with caution.
  11. That dolly that you’re not sure why it’s at your house in the first place? You might as well put it in the shed for now because, honestly, chances of it getting back to it’s rightful owners is looking less and less likely, no matter how many times you’ve reminded your husband to bring it.
  12. Staying hydrated does not mean drinking chocolate milk. Go back and try again.
  13. Your daughter will wake up from her nap within 15 minutes of you coming inside to relax and she will be hungry and angry. That’s how she rolls.
  14. Watering your mulch doesn’t do anything except make it look like you watered mulch. But that makes it look like you might have something planted that could possibly grow there, if watered. So go ahead and do that anyway.
  15. You probably shouldn’t wear your favorite flip flops while doing this, because they will get muddy and disgusting and then when you leave them outside to dry, the dog will grab onto them and you will have to chase him down to recover it.
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