It’s my summer and I’ll cry if I want to

I feel like I’m beating a dead horse on here. But whatever. I will continue to write about it and discuss it because I do what I want…

Anyway.

My anxiety level is at an all time high lately. On a scale of 1-100, it’s probably at a 90. And it sucks. I’m just in a semi-panicked state about nearly everything. Money, the babies, Chris, my family, you name it I’m freaking out about it. It doesn’t help that I’m not comfortable in any position, sitting or laying down, so sleep that already isn’t coming easy is not coming at all some nights. Other nights, I exhaust myself with all the worrying that I’m in a dead coma by 11. There are days I wake up with so much energy that I’m out of bed by 545 and have finished cleaning the house before Chris wakes up. Others, I can barely pull the sheets off of me at 730 when the baby wakes up. It’s a continuous up and down of energy that isn’t balancing out anywhere, the only constant I have every day is that I’m in a lot of pain and I’m stressed.

I had a full on panic attack the other day because Chris wanted to call my mom to have her check on me because he was worried about me. When I say “full on panic attack” I mean, I couldn’t breath. I sat there on the phone sobbing and trying to catch my breath for 15 minutes while he was telling me to calm down. This is not the only time this happened this week. I’ve been having panic attacks for no reason other than sitting on the couch. I can feel it approaching, the heavy chest, the heavy heart. All of a sudden I get short of breath, but not the shortness of breath you feel when you’re eight months pregnant. The shortness of breath you get when you feel like you’re drowning, your lungs are just collapsing inside your chest. Then the darkness on the outer edges of your field of vision and the hot tears welling up in your eyes. Finally, the panic sets in and you just want to scream but you can’t…so you just sit there, trying to breath, trying to get under control, achieve calmness. And then suddenly, as quickly as this all sets in, it just disappears and I feel…fine. Not fine, necessarily, but better than I was 15 seconds ago. It’s becoming increasingly inconvenient and irritating.

It started to rain yesterday afternoon. Large, fast, yet soft globs of liquid sadness just poured around the house while Caitlin and I sat for what seemed hours under the cover of darkness the rain clouds provided. It was one of those days where the house was cleaned before Chris woke up, but by 3, I was so exhausted I ended up taking an unsatisfying nap. I just find myself frustrated and angry by different things. Things that never seems to end, as much as I would love it to, because I know I’m better off without it. Happier without it, and yet I’m constantly being dragged back into it. I just want to stop being dragged back into it. I haven’t done anything to deserve it, so just leave me alone.

Caitlin woke up early today so I was up with her. I couldn’t have fallen back to sleep anyway, Kinley was awake as well and he’s a hard one to ignore. It’s supposed to rain again, so I’m not sure what we’ll be doing today. Probably sitting at home listening to the rain. Big globs of liquid sadness splashing into a baby pool of cool, untouched water.

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3 Responses

  1. Panic attacks increase in pregnancy. I am right there with you. Everything seems out of order and in disarray although it isn’t, reality is skewed and things don’t seem right and you have to make them right gosh darned it! Panic!

    Its almost over for you though! Just a few more weeks at most! Then you will have a baby boy! Oh! He will melt your heart, I guarantee it!

  2. I feel for you, I too suffer from panic attacks and unless someone has ever experienced one, it’s impossible to understand how horrible they are. I hope it gets better for you soon, it’s so hard to live in that hyped up mode.

    Thanks for visiting my blog today.

  3. Panic attacks kind of sound like contractions to me.

    Not in the “I think you’re in labor” kind of way but in the “you know it’s coming and will be awful but you can’t stop it and it just keeps getting stronger” kind of way.

    So, that sounds awful. I’m giving you a candy bar over here.

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