I feel like I’m on an episode of “Survivor”

Our first day home was a semi-success. I say “semi-success” because we weren’t home for very long and my sister came over so I wasn’t going at it alone. But everyone survived with minimal meltdowns, so that counts for something right?

I honestly don’t know how mom’s to two under two (or more under two, or three, or four for that matter) do it. I feel completely lost and overwhelmed by this, but I have no choice but to figure out a routine and go at it. The house was a disaster area when I came home Sunday, so it’s getting clean, just taking a little longer than usual. But here it is, Tuesday morning and I’m almost done.

Caitlin has her moments where she is a doll, she’s a helper and she’s good and calm. Then she has moments where she just turns on a different switch and she screams and cries for no reason. And then the teeth-grating starts. The overwhelming anger and frustration starts to set in and I feel my jaw just clenching. It’s upsetting to me because I don’t want to be frustrated and angry. I want to feel calm and not yell and be upset, but the screaming makes it very difficult. Chris wants me to talk to my doctor as soon as she gets back from vacation and I feel like I should be able to do this without intervention from medication. I did okay with Caitlin once I was willing to ask Chris for help, but the anxiety and OCD thoughts have already started setting. I just want to feel like I can do this.

I know he is just trying to find the way to make everyone’s life a little easier tho so I’m not angry or upset with him for asking. He’s being really awesome and helping anyway he can, he even woke up when the baby started to cry the other day while I was in the bathroom. He’s been such a big help and I’m so glad I have him as my babies’ daddy.

Kinley is doing pretty good. I’m still trying to figure him out, he’s just so quiet all the time. He only cries when he is really hungry or getting his diaper changed, but other than that he just lays there silent and semi-alert. He sleeps a lot too which is awesome for him, terrible for my boobs. I nurse on demand, so if he doesn’t want to eat when my body is telling me it’s time, I walk around looking like a porn star for a little while. And the engorgement makes it difficult to snuggle with Caitlin, as much as I want to, but she headbutts my chest and it really hurts. Back to Kinley…another time he cries is when he is frustrated because his arms are all over the place. He gets super upset and it’s kinda funny and cute. He’s lived this long so I think that’s pretty good, if I do say so myself.

All-in-all, I think we’re doing okay. We’re getting used to this whole two under two thing. The only thing I’m really against about this whole thing is the amount of diapers I’m changing in a day. I went from only changing about 4 or 5 a day to changing about 12 or more. I need to figure out a system when it comes down to when they both need a change, but I’ll just keeping winging it for now.

This seems really short, but I have to finish cleaning the house and get back to being a mom. If I suddenly just stop posting or tweeting, assume I’ve been fired for my position and Chris has taken a new wife and mother for his children.

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2 Responses

  1. First of al CONGRATS!!!!! yea!!! I am so happy for you!
    You are doing a lot right now…just remember that you need to rest. The house doesn’t have to look like Martha what’s her names house. You have two munchkins so it’s going to be messy. It is ok that it’s messy. You need to tale care of you before you burn the candle at both ends.
    You are doing a great job. The routiine will come.
    Big hugs ;)

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