Moving forward

Some changes are about to happen in my little universe, nothing big, but nothing small. I’ll let you guys know once details have been finalized and our plan has been put into action. Just know there is a lot of sadness that goes along with this. Buried deep underneath all of the sadness, my sadness, there is hope and excitement, but first, there is lots of sadness and tears.

I was in a writing slump right before Kinley was born. I thought it would pass once he was born, but it didn’t, it only got worse. In fact, it hasn’t fully gone away, but I knew there were things I could say, things I needed to say. I just don’t know where to begin…

Let’s focus on small stuff I suppose.

Things are going with having my two under two. I won’t say bad and I won’t say great. They are going. To be honest, it could be a lot worse, but couldn’t be much better. Caitlin is a doll, she kisses Kinley and giggles and pushes him in his swing. She’s learning that when he is in a seat (IE. Swing or vibrating chair), she can’t sit there, but will sit there talking to him and kissing him. If she hears him cry and I don’t, she lets me know and is learning to be helpful with diaper changes by fetching diapers and wipes.

As far as Kinley goes, I wonder if he may be slightly colicky. Chris says no, Caitlin was, but Kinley isn’t. I don’t remember her being that bad as an infant, then again I don’t remember much from that time period; too much was happening and I was too far down. He doesn’t scream, but at night he whines a lot, for no reason. He cries sometimes and won’t nurse or sleep. He just lays there crying and whining and I can’t do anything to make him feel better. I try to nurse him, he refuses. I try to rock him, he cries through it. I try to burp him, nothing happens. I don’t know what’s going on exactly, but I think that’s a little colicky.

Surprisingly however, his little whines and cries at night are not a trigger for me. They are exhausting, but I can handle them. I’ve done good handling the lack of sleep, I’m not so much exhausted during the day, I think Caitlin gives me the energy I need to keep pushing forward. At night I’m tired, but I survive with waking up every few hours. In fact, there are times in the middle of the night that I feel awake and will sit up with him for a few minutes before attempting to lay back down to sleep. But I do have a trigger, a big one, that just sends me over the edge. When getting ready to go to bed or take a nap lately, Caitlin just screams her little head off. Painful, hurt screams and I. just. can’t. take. it.

The first couple of nights and naps she did this, it didn’t bode well for me. I ended up once a crying mess on the bathroom floor, another time a crying mess on my bed and finally a crying mess on the couch. I was just sobbing and sobbing and yelling and yelling. But I’m doing better. I’m controlling it. I’m proud of myself. I still cry a little and it still sends me down, but I don’t yell at her and I don’t just melt into a puddle of mommy failure. I’m getting through it. I go in next week to speak to my doctor about getting on something again, at Chris’ begging and knowing I need to. I’m thankful this time, however, because I know I’m not going at it alone. I’m being more honest about it to those surrounding me. Chris knows that the screaming is a big thing and he knows when he gets angry at me, it makes it worse. He is learning about my anxiety triggers and is doing his best to avoid them. My mom and sister, although they don’t know the full extent of what happens, are there for anything I need. They are wonderful comforts and are always checking as to how I’m feeling. It sucks because I feel like it set in much quicker and harder this time around, but I feel like I’m stronger because I’m willing to learn what sets me off and see what’s happening for what it is. Not a failure on  my part, but a sickness.

I feel like I’m missing huge chunks of things to say, but I just can’t think straight. It’s okay tho, I’ll be okay very soon.


One Response

  1. Have you seen the Happiest Baby on the block videos? That movie saved my ass when Aaron was 0-4m. It teaches you different ways to soothe a baby. It’s good stuff! You can find some videos explaining it on YouTube.

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