It’s not home.

*Sigh* Today is a day of small sadness. It’s also the first full day I’ve been in my new “home” without Chris. Coincidence?

It’s not my brother making me feel unwelcome. In fact, he makes me feel totally welcome and like this is how we’ve been for years. When Caitlin started screaming at 1030 because I put her down to change Kinley’s diaper, he didn’t say anything. I don’t even know if it woke him up. He has just kind of given me space that I need to get adjusted here and I appreciate it. If Chris and I had to live with someone, with both agree he is the only person we’d want to live with.

It just doesn’t feel like home yet. It feels like we’re staying somewhere, a temporary living arrangement. Not the place we’ll be receiving our mail or the place we’ll be filling with family and food and a tree at Christmas time. Just a place we’re visiting, like a hotel. It’s no one’s fault really, just my anxiety that does this. I don’t have things I can either use or not use on a daily basis, like my blow dryer or straightener. Most of my makeup and clothes are still at the other house, waiting to be picked up. So I’m living off of what I bring with me everyday, which makes me sad. Makes me feel like I’m just packing a suitcase every night to spend the night somewhere else. Small sadness.

And the place I feel the least at home is, surprisingly, the bathroom. In my own home, the bathroom is my escape. It’s where I go when I need to take a minute to think, to breath. I love my showers, and I love the familiar feeling of my own. Here, it feels like a guest bathroom, a guest shower. When I step out, I don’t feel the same comfort that I feel out of my own. I just feel, I don’t really know how to describe it actually. It reminds me I’m not home. I’m not in my own place. I’m not in my own comfort zone.

Soon we’ll get more stuff out, my dresser filled with my clothes, my bathroom items and anything else small that will make this more my home as well. Today, however,  I’m without it all and it makes me sad.

Advertisements

3 Responses

  1. Remember, you are a military child and no home feels like the last one till you are finished moving in. You didn’t feel like your last home was yours till we painted it and that was a year after you were in it. You have to give yourself time and the house time. Before you know it you will feel very comfortable and will call it home. Think about how many houses I had to make a home for our family over the 30 years your dad was in the Marine Corps, it’s not easy but it will happen.

  2. It’s been too long since I’ve been here and I’m so sorry for that. Life, you know?

    Anyway, it’s always hard to uproot and plant yourself somewhere new. There’s always a period of “shock” like a tree being transplanted. Don’t worry. As long as the people you love are there, it’ll feel like home before you know it. They say home is where your heart is, right?

    You’ll be okay because you’re a tough woman. Keep your chin up ;) Much Love

    • I completely understand :) In fact, that’s what I’m using the little bit of downtime I have now, catching up on my google reader. It’s so full!
      But yes, home is where the heart is and right now my heart is here. I’ll be fine once more of my belongings are here and trips for clothes for the next day have ceased and I can resume my nightly tweeting and blogging. It’s just an adjustment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: