Wants, Needs and Desires

I’m in a funk. It’s hazy and crowded in my mind today. I’ve been feeling pretty decent lately, relaxed and sure of myself, even on bad days I was able to keep my calm and laugh at the impossible situations being handed to me over, and over, and over. I should have seen this coming, yesterday wasn’t a “bad” day, I was just in a mood.

I don’t really know what’s going on today, just woke up feeling kind of low anxious upset weird. Yes, weird. That’s really the best way to describe it I suppose without sounding melodramatic, which I’m completely trying to avoid. It started out simply enough, Caitlin woke up cranky and was whining and I remembered it was Thursday, not Friday.

So, I’m sitting on the couch with Caitlin fake crying over nothing and I’m talking to Kinley and suddenly he smiles and coos at Caitlin. My heart just melted, and suddenly, I wanted to be pregnant again. Yearned to be pregnant. Needed to be pregnant. My body ached, my stomach collapsed in itself and I wanted desperately to go back to a few weeks ago, when everything was easier. When I was still pregnant and I felt good, and confident and beautiful. When I knew I was an amazing mom and wife, and I knew exactly what was best for  my family. My head wasn’t so cloudy and my heart wasn’t so heavy. I needed to go back to that day when she and I colored for the first time.

Chris has been saying since Kinley was born that he was done, no more outta him. I knew he was just joking around and only talking for the time being, but suddenly, my heart needed to double check that he didn’t mean that. I told him I didn’t know what was going on, I wasn’t ready for a third, that I just missed being pregnant. I miss that feeling.

It was at that moment I just fell into myself. Sadness at the idea that the life I always wanted may not come into fruition (I always wanted a rather large family, 4-5 children). Overwhelming disappointment in myself. The desire to do something greater than myself, to give Caitlin and Kinley a reason to be proud and look up to me. The need to do something with my life. The understanding that there isn’t anything I can do, that I’m just me, and that’s all I’ll ever be.

I want to change someone’s life, for the better, but it just feels like it’s unattainable. I want to better myself, for my family, for me, but it doesn’t seem possible. I want to “do something”, but I just don’t know what, if that even makes any sense.

I want to make sense.

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5 Responses

  1. Don’t you understand you are doing something to change someone’s life and that is your children. That everyday you wake up and take care of your babies you are bettering yourself. That you are something you are a daughter, sister, wife and best of all a mother. When you kiss, play, wipe butts, hold, nurse you baby boy, chase your baby girl around and so many other things that you do you are doing something for your family.

  2. I loved every single minute of being pregnant and will admit that I too was very sad that I was not anymore. The fact that PPD swooped in and changed our life plans have definitly put the hamper on future kids…for now. That makes me sad to no end. But for now, I do my best with my Chunky.
    You may seem small to yourself, but you are helping this momma out :)
    Just think of today and today only and not down the road. Right now is where your mind and heart should be. Tomorrow hasn’t happened yet.
    Hugs.

  3. I think it sounds like you’re a terrific mother.

    And I bet your family is going to end up being the perfect size.

  4. It sounds like you are a great mother, but might be focusing too much on thoughts. Sometimes weird thoughts can creep into our heads and it is best to just focus on being in the moment.

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