Finding myself

The last two months have been hectic. The last two years have been hectic. Filled with gravity defying highs and horrible, relentless lows. Surrounding me, reminding me, life isn’t easy. I’ve been placed upon a pedestal whilst being applauded as patient and loving, and tied to a burning pole reminiscent of the Salem witch trials, sometimes within hours. I’ve felt pride in my job as a mother, but also have been shamed for “just being a mom.” I’ve had crippling loneliness, coupled with the sheer ecstasy of the many friends I’ve made during this blogging process. I’ve been inspired by you all. I’ve been following your journey’s along with you, and finding myself along the way.

There is something I’ve been particularly inspired by. Something that I read and I just…I don’t know how to describe it. I just felt like that’s what I wanted in my life, it’s what I needed in my life. Tiffany at mom-nom.com is wonderful, beautiful, strong. She’s been through hell and back. She has suffered and survived, and she is taking charge of her life and becoming a person she wants to be. She is “living intentionally,” as she calls it, and she has inspired me to do something similar.

I love being a mother. I love staying home and taking care of my babies. I love watching them grow, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world. But I need to take steps to make myself healthier. I am not unfulfilled by motherhood, no. I am unfulfilled with what I have done in my life up until motherhood. I am going to start to fill my life with things I want to do, to feel more “well-rounded.” A multitude of things, like getting my degree, or reading several different religious tomes.

I want to have myself to fall back on, if need be, and feel proud of myself. I want to like who I see in the mirror, I want to be able to see what my friends and family see when I stare at myself. Only I can change that, no one else. By putting this out there, including a list of things I want to do, which will be coming soon and probably have things added as I go, I have a responsability to people other than myself. I have you, everyone who reads this, to keep me on track. To remind me of my goals. To remind me of who I want to be.

And I want to thank my mom and sister for reminding me that I am doing something great by being “just a mom.” And I want to thank Tiffany for showing me, that sometimes, it’s okay to want to seek out knowledge to better yourself.

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5 Responses

  1. Thank youf or the kind words, you are too sweet. I think living intentionally is something you have to constantly work at. Even this morning, I felt myself falling back in my old habits. I’m so excited to have you on this journey with me. Putting it out there, holding yourself accountable and having a support group that can encourage you is key. I can’t wait to hear about all your changes, I am certain you will feel it from day one.

    • I’m excited to start. Just reading how good you felt after just a few small changes is awesome. Hopefully, with the help of my readers, I’ll be able to stick with it.

  2. I’ve never spoken it out loud to you but living intentionally was the change I made in my life two summers ago. There are a great many articles about the practice on psychologytoday.com and a multitude of books about it. Good luck!

  3. Pua, I am so happy and excited for you. This is going to be a wonderful journey and giant kudos to you for doing something for you.

    Can’t wait to follow you in this!

  4. What a great post! I think becoming a mom helps one live intentionally, live in the moment, just live. So much of what we did before we became moms isn’t even important because raising a happy, well-adjusted child is so rewarding and so very significant. Being “just a mom” is awesome!

    Good luck in your journey!

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