A happy chapter

Sometimes, you just don’t realize how good it feels to be alive when you’re at the brink of combustion.

I try to keep it light. I try to keep it funny, or heartfelt. I try to stay away from the horrid images at night. I don’t discuss my triggers, like “the scream” Caitlin can produce, or feeling the car go in and out of traffic, gracefully as we approach the red break lights of the car in front us. I don’t mention the, quite literal, crippling shyness that I have some how developed and the dependence I have on Chris and my family to go out in public anymore. I don’t mention how this leads to debilitating loneliness. Or the exhaustion. The sheer exhaustion I feel from being stuck at home, all day, too afraid to take the babies out by myself, even for a walk.

There are days where I can barely talk, I feel like I have absolutely no voice. On those days, my heart hangs heavier in my chest. There are days that I just can’t stop the anxiety, and I hold the babies closer to me out of fear. Days of anger, days of disappointment, days of sadness. Days and days.

I haven’t had a day like today in so long. A day of normalcy, a day of happiness. Pure bliss. A day where Chris and I were both up early, taking care of the babies, getting ready and spending the day together. We went and saw fish, we ate lunch in a restaurant as a family, we went to the mall and rode the kiddie train. We had fun. We laughed. I was happy. It was perfect.

As we drove down the freeway, Chris had the window down and the radio was playing. The wind was brushing my cheek and it felt so nice, as if the day was breathing LIFE into me, into my bones. We were all together, we were happy. I feel normal. I feel happy. I feel strong. I feel brave.

I feel alive.


2 Responses

  1. Oh honey…I didn’t know. I am here for you ok?! I know what it is like..god do I wish that I didn’t know. You will get better. I am proof. I am always here for you Pua. You are not alone. This won’t last forever. I promise you.
    (have you seen a doctor yet?)

    • Thank you. And yes, I’ve been put on Paxil and it really helps. I’m really starting to just feel like everything will be okay.

      Thanks, you’re such an inspiration. You really are :)

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