Rainbows and unicorns farting butterflies

I love being a mom. I really do. All my life, I wanted to do nothing more than be a mom, a young mom, like my mom. It’s all I ever wanted. When I met Chris, he knew it was important to me. When we got married, we agreed we would wait. And when birth control failed, we were excited and eager.

I knew all about diapers and car seats, clothing and breastfeeding, baby carrying, co-sleeping, I knew it all. I learned from the women in my family, watched the examples they set for me. I knew what was important to me, and luckily for me, Chris was indifferent to most of the decisions. The ones he didn’t care for? He changed his tune once he got a full nights rest because of the convenience.

I love being a mom. It’s my favorite thing in the world. But I wasn’t prepared for all things I would hate about it.

I hate waking up at 530-6 most mornings, and consider 8 “sleeping in.” I hate that any date night requires at least a week’s worth of planning. I hate the constant worry that hangs on my heart. I hate that, sometimes, I’m not the best mom I can be. I hate that I can’t give them everything. I hate being tired and worn out. I hate being angry and having to separate myself from them to count to ten. I hate that there are times when I can’t get them to stop crying. I hate that a shower alone, all alone, is a luxury I rarely get to enjoy. I hate that, no matter what you do right, someone is going to think you’re doing everything wrong.

But then….

They get sick and need me.
We show our love for each other by creating art.
We learn and build together.
We dress up and play pretend.
We cuddle.
She tells me she loves me.
He has a special smile he shows only to me.
We have tickle fights and special talks in our secret “language.”
We read books together, and they sit silent in my lap and listen.
I wake up from naps with two sets of big blue eyes staring back at me, with little arms wrapped around me, protecting me.

I don’t love everything about being a mom, there are a lot of things that I wish didn’t come with this package, but do. If I have to take all of that with motherhood, then I’ll take it. I wouldn’t change it.

This shit is fucking hard. It is hardly rainbows and unicorns farting butterflies. I wouldn’t change it. I love being a mom.

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7 Responses

  1. I am so glad you wrote this. Motherhood is hard and I get so irritated when moms don’t complain about all the nitty gritty. I love being a mom too but do I like the job of mothering all the time? Fack no.
    Glad you’re back and telling it like it is!

  2. It’s funny that you can love your husband but it is socially acceptable to admit his faults. Admitting you sometimes want a break from your kids? Totally taboo.

  3. Man – doesn’t it seem like nothing in life turns out to be farting butterflies? They’re really always a lie.

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