Full circle

I’m having a hard time believing it’s already December 1st. My, how things have changed in a year. And I mean, changed in ways you would never believe.

August 2009 was the beginning of the most difficult year of my life and December 1, 2009 was a day which will be burned into my head for a long time. It was the beginning of a lot of struggles. It was the start of a long road to a recovery Chris and I needed. My, oh, my.

Chris lost his job a year ago today, and although he had another job lined up, he had no start date. And I may have mentioned this before, but his old boss was excruciatingly manipulative of Chris, and Chris was actually still technically working for him, receiving phone calls and helping him out via phone with no payment. This was the beginning of our troubles with the insurance companies because he promised to keep our insurance rolling until his new job started covering us, since Chris was still providing services for him. He lied. He shut it off the very first chance he had.

A year ago today, we didn’t know about Kinley. I had taken a test, I think, at this point, but it came back negative. A couple of weeks (days maybe?) later it was positive and I was terrified. Chris still didn’t have a start date for his new job and I was only working part-time. But at least his old boss was keeping the insurance going because he is such a good guy…That’s the whole reason we had to pay $1000-something to my doctor’s office. Office visits to your OB are very expensive if you’re not insured.

A year ago today, I hated the house we lived in. The walls were brown and there were so many bad memories trapped in there. I hated it, and often spoke about moving, or destroying it. I cried nearly every night we were there and was terribly depressed. I hated that house so much because of all the hurt and pain that lived there. So many terrible days and nights.

A year ago, I was having so much anxiety because Christmas was right around the corner and we had no money for it at all. Luckily, I had gotten Caitlin’s gifts in October before everything happened. I’m so thankful for that pre-planning.

There was so much stress a year ago today. A whole new start to a whole new difficult year. I was sick to my stomach all the time and cried nearly every day. I couldn’t handle everything going on, the loss of a job, a 9 month old and being pregnant while working part-time. Everything was just falling apart around us, like the shattered glass of a broken window. I didn’t know how we’d ever survive. But we did, and not only did we survive with our relationship in tact, but we did a complete 180.

Today, on December 1st, I am able to go into a store and get something for myself without any guilt attached to it. I am able to buy my children a toy or their diapers without worrying. I’m smiling, the bills are paid and the only reason I’m stressed by Christmas is because I have to finish getting the presents instead of worrying about how I’m going to pay for them. We’re happy. Everyone is healthy. And we’re doing okay.

As difficult as it was, I’m glad everything that happened did. It showed us everything we could go through, because there is so much more, but those are posts for another day. With everything we’ve been through, I’m sure we could survive anything. It taught us that we’re a lot stronger than we’ve ever thought possible. It showed me that we could change everything. I needed that year to happen, to show me that I’m a lot more than anyone has ever thought possible.

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2 Responses

  1. Oh honey…this is so beautiful and so true. As much as I hate that PPD happened to me and as much as I hate that chronic pain happened to me…I have found so many blessings through this journey, mostly my relationship to my husband and to my true family and true friends.
    I am so glad that today, you’re able to sit back and find positive in your journey. You have come a long way. You all have. Cheers to a better year in 2011.

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