Pooped with poop

Quite frankly, I’m a person who can roll with whatever punches come my way. Something comes up and there is a change of plans? I can do that. Having to be creative financially or during gift giving season? I’m on it. I can handle it with ease and grace.



When it comes to my sleep.

As someone who doesn’t get nearly enough sleep as her body would like, when the little sleep I do get is interrupted for any variety of reasons I. Go. Off. I’m like a hibernating bear or a sleeping Rottweiler. You wouldn’t poke them to see if they wake up would you? No? Then don’t fucking touch me. If I am woken up and feel miserable, or even if you are making it difficult for me to fall asleep, you will be miserable too.

So, imagine my dismay when, the other night, Chris was snoring so loudly I couldn’t sleep. And I laid in bed for hours, trying to get comfortable in between he and the baby and wake him up to roll over. While Chris’ snoring is irritating and loud and keeps me awake at night, I’m used to it. I know what causes it (in the other night’s case, too much wine) and can usual get him awake long enough to roll over. But after 45 minutes of kicking him and yelling his name without so much as a “whhhhhhat?” I started getting pissed.

And then? It hit me. The smell..the very distinct smell of poop. But not baby or adult…but dog. I listened to see if I could hear Linux moving around the bathroom. Nothing. I tried to ignore it, thinking it was just gas, but as the minutes passed slowly, it became overpowering. I was forced out of my warm, comfortable bed at 2 in the morning.

As soon as my body left Kinley’s side, he was awake and upset, so I quickly looked into the bathroom to see if Linux had an accident (which is a super rarity); hoping it would be a small, quickly cleaned up mess. Nope, nothing. I almost went back into bed and stated that I would deal with it in the morning, but I knew I couldn’t sleep with the smell. If there is one thing that wake me up quicker than noise, it’s smells. So the pants were put back on and a sweater was thrown on and I grabbed Kinley to bring downstairs with me so he wouldn’t piss off Chris.

Downstairs we clomped as the smell was just being even more horrendous. Dread started washing over me. Oh. God. I put Kinley down, and headed over to the laundry room where Roxy sleeps. Dog crap was everywhere. She walked in it and proceeded to run to back door to go outside to get away from me. I. Was. Livid. But I had seen it, so I had to clean it, which I  did. Angrily, but I did it.

An hour later, it was picked up, washed, steam cleaned, Febreeze was sprayed throughout the house to get rid of any lingering smell and I was crawling back into bed with a still relatively awake Kinley. Ten minutes later, I could hear Caitlin rustling around and whining. Eff. I knew that would happen. Up again, pants on, sweater on, into her room to put her back to bed.

Another 15 minutes later, I was back into bed, arguing with Chris because I (intentionally) spoke loudly when I was getting dressed to take care of Caitlin and woke him up. And Kinley started to cry because, once again, I was out of bed, keeping Chris awake. Since I had already been up all night, I did not care. Not even joking, I was fuming.

Crawled into bed, angry at Chris, attempting to get Kinley to fall asleep I am suddenly struck down with the most awful stomach cramps I have ever had that didn’t result in either pushing a baby out or running to the bathroom. I laid in bed for what felt like hours thinking Chris had shanked me while I thought he was asleep, but then I remembered Chris wouldn’t murder me because I’ve threatened to haunt his ass until the day he died unless he let me parents find the body.

That’s neither here nor there, however.

The point is, I had such bad stomach cramps, I laid in bed silently sobbing from pain. Silently, because, when I am angry at Chris I don’t want him comforting me so I suck up pain and don’t let him know. If I didn’t wake up this morning to the loud banging Chris was creating for revenge, I would have been convinced I was going to die. Eventually I passed out, unsure of the time, only to be awoken, as I said, by Chris banging dressers unnecessarily.

Which woke Caitlin up as he was leaving. Which meant I had to wake up. Which pissed me off even more, because as I was, once again, putting my pants on and my sweater, I smelled the distinct smell of dog crap. I said a silent prayer of “Please let it be residual smell, please let it be residual smell,” got Caitlin and headed downstairs…

Opened the door to the laundry room…and was greeted by the most horrified scene ever. I took a picture of it and sent it to Chris as a big “FUCK YOU! THIS IS WHAT I’M DEALING WITH AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE AN ASS BECAUSE I’M CRANKY!?” gift, but I won’t share that with you. It. Was. Awful. OMG. AWFUL I TELL YOU! It looked as if Roxy had been murdered, and instead of bleeding blood, she bled poop. Oh so awful.

I was actually a loss of what to do, and had to sit down for a minute to gather up some thought of how to begin. All the while trying to make sure Caitlin didn’t come near.

Once it was all said and done, I had only gagged three times, used two rolls of paper towels, and steam cleaned the little room about four times. Now I have to wash some clothes and am completely dreading going in there. And dealing with Roxy because I’m terrified she is covered in shit (which she probably is). Not exactly the best thing to put me in a good mood to start the day.

As I mentioned of Twitter the day this all happened, the fact that both Chris and Roxy are still alive is a testament to my will power and I should be applauded. And possibly have gifts purchased for me.


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