Push forward

Shoes laced up; hair tied back; earbuds in; Meg and Dia on Pandora, I made my way downstairs.

Start slow.

Music in my ears, motivates me to go. Push through the fact that I’ve never ran, never jogged, that this is the start of a new journey.


Keep going.

The song changes. A song I recognize and haven’t heard for years. A song that is part of my past. A song from long ago.

*Picture perfect fading smiles are all that’s left in sight
I said I’d never leave, you’ll never change
I’m not satisfied with where I am in life
Am I supposed to be happy?

A song that, once again, resonates with me. Differently.

With all that I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

I start to cry. I push forward.

You said, you said you would die for me…

I run harder. Breathe slower. Cry.

We made plans to grow old

I cry for the girl that only wanted this life. This life of family and love. A girl who never imagined the toll it would take. A girl who never imagined the hurt it could cause.

Believe me, there was truth in all those stories that I told.

A girl who was herself. A girl who was lost when life changed. A girl who I haven’t seen in the mirror in years…
Harder. Breathe. Run.

Where did she go? Disappeared in the titles that were placed on her. Wife. Mother. Everything. Gone. She has been gone.
Faster. Harder. Run. Breathe. Faster. Breathe.

The words echo in my head.

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.*

Air catches in my throat and I have to slow down. Slow to a walk. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Slower now.

The song ends and a new one comes on. Another song from my past. The music is harder. Faster. It reminds me again of the girl who disappeared. I look at my reflection in the glass to my left as I walk…

**Turn around, there’s those eyes again.
Turn around fake indifference and I
Watch their cold, dark silhouettes disappear

I’m changed.

A hundred bodies fill this room

Parts of me changed for the better and I love them.

And their faces over done

But  some parts of me, I miss deeply.

Pain is foreign, foreign to us.
I don’t even know you,
You won’t even know I’m gone.

I want those parts back.

Was it something I did wrong?**

I start to run again. Run harder. Run faster. Look down and watch myself disappear. The me I don’t like. I can see my bright red hair bouncing in the reflective glass next to me. I’m bringing back the old me. And I hope Chris understands. It’s the me he knew I was when we got married. The me I allowed to be changed by titles. So what if she’s the weird me? The “different” me?

She’s a happier me, a me I loved.

She’s coming back.

As the song played on, I pushed forward, running harder, running faster, until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

*Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – “Cat and Mouse”*
**Meg and Dia – “Roses”**


7 Responses

  1. It’s nice to see you always. “weird” or not. Normal sucks

  2. We reinvent ourselves on a daily basis but is important not to lose sight of who we are. You can wear all those other hats, wife, mother, sister, daughter but try not to forget who Pua is.

    The Pua I know is: spunky or as I always called her, “my little firecracker”, a person I admired because she never let anyone tell her what to do or push her around. She is the person that when I start to get frustrated at my own spunky daughter for her feistiness, I remember how I admired it in my sister and how it can be good for her, that it doesn’t have to be a negative.

    I’m not sure if that is a part of who you believe you lost but I just wanted to share a little bit about “who” you’ve always been to me and maybe you can start to find that person you used to be. BUT remember, you will always be changing and growing, don’t lose yourself but don’t be afraid of growth either.

  3. Welcome back old you ;)
    I think that the old us is in there, but over time we’ve been evolved and shaped and learned and experienced and all that changes us…moves us forward…you know?

  4. […] gave me a lisp. Then I got pregnant and took out the navel ring while my belly stretched. I started changing against my […]

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