I kissed a girl and it wasn’t terrible.

On Wednesday, Virginia’s social services board voted to allow same-sex couples to adopt.

It lost 7-2.

Let me back up here and explain something. In Virginia, only married couples or single people (regardless of sexual orientation) can adopt. So, by default, gay couples are excluded. However, single people who want to adopt for a variety of reasons can.

That’s fine.

What I don’t understand is why we don’t allow unmarried couples of any type to adopt? If a couple has been together for 15 years, but isn’t married because; a) they can’t or b) they just don’t want to, and decide they want a child, why can’t they adopt if they so choose? Just because two people are not married, doesn’t mean they are any less dedicated. The state acknowledges a single parent’s ability to raise a child alone, why do they refuse to deny an unmarried couples ability to do the same?

Okay, for the sake of argument let’s put out there that if you’re unmarried, it’s easier to separate regardless of if children are involved or not. I don’t agree with that, as most people wouldn’t, but I know that’s how many people look at it, so let’s just put it on the table.

This leads me to ask, why do we not allow same-sex marriage? Can someone give me one really good reason?

Other than the fact that “God said it’s an abomination,” because I just don’t believe that. I’m pretty sure God also said “judge not lest ye be judged,” but a lot of people seem to forget that part.

I really don’t think it will destroy how sacred marriage is, considering 50% of all marriages end in divorce and there will be an affair 80% of the time in all marriages. Along with those numbers and the fact that it’s nearly impossible to put a number domestic abuse because so many cases go unreported, it’s safe to say marriage is hardly sacred. Let’s not forget to point out that if two gay men or women are allowed to marry, IT WON’T EFFECT YOUR CURRENT MARITAL STATUS AT ALL.

As a straight, married, mother of two gay marriage doesn’t make an impact on my life at all, except…

Except for the fact that not allowing gay marriage can make an impact on my life in years to come.

Let me break it down for you.

One in ten people identify themselves as homosexual. My parents have 15 grandchildren. I don’t like the number 15, so let’s just say that each of my parents’ children have one more child in their lifetime, that is 20 grandchildren. That means that there would (statistically) be two gay children in my family. It could be any variety of them, but it doesn’t matter. If one of my nephews wants to marry his partner of 5 years, then I really hope he asks for my help planning it because I have some great ideas involving silver hot pants for the wedding party and a drag queen named Daphne as the officiant. Or if Caitlin and her transgendered partner decide they want to have a baby, but want to adopt, I will be there wearing the gaudiest “Proud Grandma” sweater I can possibly find.

The important thing, to me, is the fact that they should have the opportunity to tell me to tone down my pride and excitement. They can’t do that if they aren’t legally allowed to even have those celebrations without leaving the state they live in. And it does bother me because I want nothing more for them to all be happy and proud of who they are. If society is telling them they are wrong for one reason or another, that does effect me. It does piss me off.

It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to my marriage, but it does, potentially, make a difference to people who share the same blood as I do. I would rather any number of them be in a loving relationship with someone of the same-sex than to be hurt by infidelity or abuse, mentally, emotionally, or physically.

And that is something that is worth fighting for to me.

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It’s my summer and I’ll cry if I want to

I feel like I’m beating a dead horse on here. But whatever. I will continue to write about it and discuss it because I do what I want…

Anyway.

My anxiety level is at an all time high lately. On a scale of 1-100, it’s probably at a 90. And it sucks. I’m just in a semi-panicked state about nearly everything. Money, the babies, Chris, my family, you name it I’m freaking out about it. It doesn’t help that I’m not comfortable in any position, sitting or laying down, so sleep that already isn’t coming easy is not coming at all some nights. Other nights, I exhaust myself with all the worrying that I’m in a dead coma by 11. There are days I wake up with so much energy that I’m out of bed by 545 and have finished cleaning the house before Chris wakes up. Others, I can barely pull the sheets off of me at 730 when the baby wakes up. It’s a continuous up and down of energy that isn’t balancing out anywhere, the only constant I have every day is that I’m in a lot of pain and I’m stressed.

I had a full on panic attack the other day because Chris wanted to call my mom to have her check on me because he was worried about me. When I say “full on panic attack” I mean, I couldn’t breath. I sat there on the phone sobbing and trying to catch my breath for 15 minutes while he was telling me to calm down. This is not the only time this happened this week. I’ve been having panic attacks for no reason other than sitting on the couch. I can feel it approaching, the heavy chest, the heavy heart. All of a sudden I get short of breath, but not the shortness of breath you feel when you’re eight months pregnant. The shortness of breath you get when you feel like you’re drowning, your lungs are just collapsing inside your chest. Then the darkness on the outer edges of your field of vision and the hot tears welling up in your eyes. Finally, the panic sets in and you just want to scream but you can’t…so you just sit there, trying to breath, trying to get under control, achieve calmness. And then suddenly, as quickly as this all sets in, it just disappears and I feel…fine. Not fine, necessarily, but better than I was 15 seconds ago. It’s becoming increasingly inconvenient and irritating.

It started to rain yesterday afternoon. Large, fast, yet soft globs of liquid sadness just poured around the house while Caitlin and I sat for what seemed hours under the cover of darkness the rain clouds provided. It was one of those days where the house was cleaned before Chris woke up, but by 3, I was so exhausted I ended up taking an unsatisfying nap. I just find myself frustrated and angry by different things. Things that never seems to end, as much as I would love it to, because I know I’m better off without it. Happier without it, and yet I’m constantly being dragged back into it. I just want to stop being dragged back into it. I haven’t done anything to deserve it, so just leave me alone.

Caitlin woke up early today so I was up with her. I couldn’t have fallen back to sleep anyway, Kinley was awake as well and he’s a hard one to ignore. It’s supposed to rain again, so I’m not sure what we’ll be doing today. Probably sitting at home listening to the rain. Big globs of liquid sadness splashing into a baby pool of cool, untouched water.

Sometimes you just get pissed.

Have you ever hated someone with such a passion, you laughed at their failures?
Have you ever hated someone so much that when they’re hurt, it brings you joy?
Have you ever hated someone so cruelly that you drink their tears like it’s nectar?
I have.
She and I used to be pretty cool, but lately she has just been a pain in my ass and I’m so glad she is finally out of my life for good.
Oh yea, I’m talking about YOU, Shower Head.

(Right here I was going to put a picture of the offending shower head, but I just realized we threw it away in the last bag of garbage. So you’ll have to use your imagination. It was pretty standard fare, a shower head, metal, you know)

When Chris and I decided to buy a house we didn’t really know what we were looking for. We knew we didn’t want to go any more north than where we were because housing is cheaper, and my mom would be babysitting for us so having to go south to drop her off, then north to go back to work, was not in the cards. We looked at houses online at the two communities that were our top picks, the one where we are and the one where my brother lives. Choices, choices.

Chris stumbled upon our house and he immediately fell in love, so that night we went to look at it with a realtor. It was literally within walking distance of our rental, two miles away from my parents, across the street from a park with a lake so Chris could go fishing. It had pretty much the top priorities. When we got inside, I loved it because the living room was big, and we have an eat in kitchen. I also loved the big fenced in back yard. Chris? Well he loved the bathtub in the master bathroom. It’s a real good size for him to bathe in comfortably, and home boy loves him some rub-a-dub.

So we bought the house and the first thing we did was change the shower head, since we could totally do that now and not have to ask our landlord. Seriously, we spent hours looking at shower heads at stores, and debating about what kind of filters we wanted, and price and the best one. We decided (I decided because I was literally about to give birth [we closed Thursday, she came Saturday] and I was cranky from standing) to just get a cheap-ish one for now and replace it later, like when my feet weren’t swollen and there wasn’t a child protruding out of my vagina. (Did you enjoy that visual? I enjoyed writing it). $30 and about two hours later we had our new shower head, which I promptly used, inducing labor.

And everything was good. Everything was awesome, we loved our shower head. The water pressure on one of the settings was awesome, just what we both liked. And there was minimal problems, for a while. Until, that is, it started leaking profuse amounts of water. And then the setting we so desperately loved? Well, it stopped shooting out water every now and then, causing us to need to change the setting and hit the shower head until it worked.

Gradually, it got to the point where the dang thing wasn’t working on that setting at all, so we were forced to use one of the crappier other settings. Which, pissed me off because I need the water ripping my skin off from pressure to feel clean. Honestly tho, is there any other way? So just this weekend we finally switched back to the other shower head, the one the house came with. A temporary solution until we can buy another one. Which won’t be happening until I can walk around a store without feeling like there is a child popping out of me.  But another thing I discovered during this transition? The crappy shower head that busted on us? Apparently had been eating away my nail polish when it stopped working. Every day my freshly painted nails had chips in them, and now? Nothing except normal wear and tear. Oh my god, eff you shower head.

Quite laughing plastic spatula, you’re next.

God, this was such a pathetic filler post it’s almost funny, but really more sad. Don’t judge me on this one post, please. Chris told me to put it up today.

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