WW: We went to the park-Caitlin

Caitlin is two

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?

Caitlin Sono
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day


The sun is up, the sky is blue
It’s beautiful, and so are you

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes


Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies


The wind is low, the birds will sing
That you are part of everything


Dear Prudence, won’t you open up your eyes?

Look round, round, round, round
Look round, round, round, round

Dear Prudence, let me see you smile


Dear Prudence, like a little child


The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again


Dear Prudence, won’t you let me see you smile?

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?


Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day


The sun is up, the sky is blue
It’s beautiful, and so are you


Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play??

 

I have sung this song (“Dear Prudence”-The Beatles) to Caitlin from the day I found out she was a girl, to this very day. It was my coax to her to join me in this world happy. Two years ago, she was four weeks early. Today she is two, and I have no words, except that I love you and always will.

Two

My daughter will be two on Monday.

Two years old.

I’m dying inside with every ticking second.

Soon, she’ll be two. And then five. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty.

She’ll be married, with children of her own, watching them grow.

I can’t take it. I look at pictures of the past two years and in nearly every one, there is her face, changing, growing older every day. Yesterday, she was a small, barely bigger than an American Girl baby doll, jaundiced thing with fine black hair. Today, she is solid and strong, with bright blue eyes and a mop of curly-ish brown hair.

She taught me how to be a mother.

She’s given me patience, and taken it away.

She’s given and received unconditional love.

She’s broken my heart.

She’s forgiven me when I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and be her mommy.

She watched me fall apart. She helped as I struggled to put the pieces of my heart, and myself, back together.

She gave me a new way to describe myself. Because of her, I became someone’s mommy. I became a person that someone depends on completely.

I just want time to freeze in this moment. I want to keep her, both of them, like this; perfect in every way.

But, instead, she’ll be two on Monday. Then five, ten, fifteen, twenty.

Normal or not?

I feel frustrated.

Frustrated and helpless.

Here we stand, 19 days before Caitlin’s second birthday, with a much smaller vocabulary than she should have by her age.

Fifty to seventy words?

Hah.

I can think of four that she uses every day. Momma, dada, baba (bottle) (for bedtime) and no.

Yes, we get the occasional, “I sorry”, “lobe ew”, “doggy”, “dude”, “please” and “ball”. But those words? Not an everyday occurrence. Mostly babbles. Lots of silence or just saying the same word (momma) over and over again. If I had to guess, I would say she probably says about 30 words.

We have no repeating body part names or singing easy song lyrics ringing in our home. We get humming and giggling, but little talking. It hurts my heart that I rarely hear her voice.

And then there is the eating issue.

Or the lack of eating issue, I should say.

Because she just plain doesn’t.

It’s a struggle.

Not an everyday, “every toddler” kind of issue.

She puts food in her mouth, chews it up, keeps it there sometimes for several minutes and then spits it out. It’s disgusting. It’s frustrating. It’s worrisome.

She loves baby food; purees, melt-able puffs and drops, anything that doesn’t require lots of chewing. If she needs to chew it, she will, but then spit it out.

I worry because she isn’t getting nutrients. I worry because I don’t want her to stop thriving. I worry because I feel there is something more than meets the eye.

I’m scared she is stunted. I’m scared there is nothing I can do. I’m scared I broke her.

I find myself thinking that it’s my fault. The days when life got too much to handle, the days when I was unhappy and angry all the time; did those do something to her? Permanent damage that no amount of love I lavish on her now will change?

I sit and research, offering possibilities that continually get shot down because her behavior is deemed “normal” by some.

I’m at a loss. I’m tired of feeling frustrated. I’m tired of feeling scared. I’m tired of hurting because my baby may have issues that I can’t control. I’m tired of knowing she is perfect, but knowing that with each passing day, there are people out there who are beginning to see her as less than that.

I feel overwhelmed. Under-supported. Often mocked. Always scared.

The play place

Saturday afternoon was my sister’s baby shower.

Since it was over by 430 or so, Chris and I decided to go to the mall to waste some time before heading home.

When we got there, we decided to let Caitlin play at the play park so she can get some excess energy from seeing her cousins out so bedtime would be simple enough. Usually, I don’t want her playing in those things on the weekends for the simple fact that it is sheer insanity, but Chris was with me and she was so good at the baby shower, so what the heck?

Now, I’m not a stickler for rules when they are made for my safety. But when they are made for my kids safety? Oh, you better damn believe we are following.

No shoes? Fine, even if her shoes are only pieces of fabric because she doesn’t wear hard soles.

Maximum height is 48″? Totally chill.

So, why is it that there was a 13-year-old girl wearing sneakers chasing another little girl around and telling other little kids that they can’t play in certain toys because she and her friend were?

What the fuck, parents?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only person in the world who finds this absolutely unnecessary. Maybe I’m the only person who wouldn’t let their 13-year-old become dictator of a young child’s play place.

She wasn’t playing with her young sister, she was playing with a little girl who she had met there. If she was playing calmly or whatever, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but the fact of the matter was she was running and collided, not once, but twice with my little girl. And neither times did she stop, apologize, or check if she was okay. She just kept plowing through the other toddlers.

What the fuck, parents?

Luckily for us, Caitlin is pretty indestructible when she is playing so she didn’t even notice. But to me, it’s rude and inconsiderate to the other parents and children there.

Am I alone here? Am I the only one who thinks that the rules are there for the safety of our kids and should be followed accordingly? I just don’t know, I feel like I may be. Or maybe just the only one in the area we live.

Science time with Mommy!

Caitlin has been learning the lesson of inertia lately.

You know that one, right? A moving object will continue to move at the same speed in the same direction until something forces it to change.

And I didn’t even have to Wikipedia that one.

Imagine this scenario, if you please.

I’m walking down the hallway, all casually and such, when little footsteps begin to stomp their way at breakneck speed from the bedroom.

Although Caitlin is fast, I am faster and I am way ahead of her in the hall, so I do not think twice when I bend down to pick up a stray piece of paper that has landed in front of my feet.

At the moment my hand touches the trash, the footsteps are directly behind me. Giggling is happening, excitement, joy, eagerness to be going into the living room!

Until, that is, Caitlin’s face meets Mommy’s fat ass, causing a ricochet effect creating a sprawled out on the floor Caitlin.

Inertia.

The little things

It’s the little things that drag me through long days and long nights.

Little fingers caressing my cheek.
Little toes to tickle.
Little coos.
Little “I love yous.”
Little smiles.
Little giggles.
Little hugs.
Little cuddles.
Little her.
Little him.

The little ways they show me they love me is what will get me through the next few weeks.

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