For Good

(Elphaba):
I’m limited
Just look at me – I’m limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us – now it’s up to you…

(Glinda):
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you…

Because I knew you…

Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…

Song-“For Good” from the Musical Wicked

10 things I love about me 3

If you want to know about 10 things I love about me, go read here. Join in and share something you love about yourself, be it your phat ass or your amazing comedic timing.

I love my neck. Physically, I always thought it was a better quality. It’s long and slender and looks great with necklaces.

As a teenager, I had a group of friends who picked on me, telling me I had a giraffe neck. It never bothered me because I always thought my neck was elegant. Like, Anne Hathaway’s in The Princess Diaries. I was never uncomfortable with it, because I never saw it as unusually long. It was always just perfect to me.

Sorry this was short. Easter has killed braincells.

10 things I love about me!

If you want to know about 10 things I love about me, go read here. Join in and share something you love about yourself, be it your phat ass or your amazing comedic timing.

I love my style. I love everything about my style.

It’s comfortable.

It’s not outrageous.

It’s sassy and sexy sometimes.

It’s rock and punk at others.

Sometimes it’s high school prep.

Whatever it is that day, I love it.

I love changing what I’m into from season to season. Long sleeve, button downs with a comfy pair of jeans.

A sexy, magical pink dress that fits me as perfectly pregnant as it does empty womb.

It’s a pair of high heels, or a pair of Converse. Or multiple pairs of flip flops from March until November.

It’s lots of nail polish and a little bit of eyeliner.

It’s me.

I had pictures, but I somehow deleted them in the transfer to my computer. Boo. But you get the picture. Anyway…

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10 things I love about me wk 1

If you want to know about 10 things I love about me, go read here. Join in and share something you love about yourself, be it your phat ass or your amazing comedic timing.

I have beauty marks, birth marks and moles scattered across my body. I used to be embarrassed about them. They were too rare to be cute freckles spread across my skin; but too frequent and an arrangement of large, small, dark and light to be unnoticeable.

Two large-ish, light brown ones, on my right wrist and the other right below my belly button, are ones that are mostly commonly pointed out and questioned.

There are others that are in places only Chris can see. Those, I believe, are his favorites; little secret markings that only he sees.

A mole on my shoulder was one of my favorites until I had to have it removed early last summer after it began to get irritated and we worried about a cancer risk. Dark brown spots trace constellations on my neck and back.

But my favorite mark? The one I have learned to love beyond all measure of markings? The one under my right eye.

When I notice it in the mirror, after I do my make up and still feel less than confident? I suddenly feel empowered and beautiful. It brings attention to my eyes, which I know are different. It makes certain facial expressions and poses more silly and fun; it makes others more alluring and sexy. The side with the beauty mark is obviously my best side, don’t you agree?

Your turn!!

 

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10 things I love about me

Saturday morning I stood in the bathroom fixing my hair and makeup for the day. Kinley played on the floor while Caitlin popped in and out, jabbering away about something I couldn’t comprehend. I swiped powder across my cheeks as she stopped at the doorway staring up at me.

“Peeas? Peeas?” she pointed to the blue compact in my hand.

I bent down without thinking and pretended to rub the puff on her nose and forehead. She batted her eyes, telling me she wanted mascara. I brushed my finger through as she smiled, delighting in this ritual.

She bounded into the bedroom towards Chris, smiling and batting her eyes.

“She wants you to tell her how pretty she looks,” I told him as he stared at her.

“Oh, you’re so pretty. But you’re really pretty without makeup!” He said to her with faux enthusiasm.

And he’s right, she is beautiful. Both of my children are, and I know it’s not just me who thinks this. Everywhere we go, we’re stopped by strangers commenting on their looks. It makes my heart swell looking at them, because they are a part of me.

I want them to grow up realizing how beautiful they are. I don’t want them to struggle with what they see in the mirror. I want them to see what others see, two beautiful people with beautiful souls. That is my biggest wish.

I don’t want them to struggle like I do. I don’t want them to have that hurt. I don’t want either one of them to grow up watching me struggle. I have to teach myself how to be what I want them to be.

Everyday we’re surrounded by what we’re supposed to be. How we’re supposed to look, supposed to act, supposed to anything. We’re supposed to look amazing in everything we wear, but also act demure and modest and never admit when our ass looks amazing in yoga pants, otherwise be labeled as conceited and a bitch. We’re supposed to look to others for compliments from others, while keeping self-satisfaction mum. That’s what creates a vicious cycle. When we tell ourselves everyday that something can be better, something still isn’t perfect.

Fuck that.

For ten weeks, I’m going to be conceited. I’m going to be self-complimentary. I’m going to find something about myself that I love. And I’m going to share it with you, whether you want me to or not. For ten weeks, I would love if you guys joined me too in this.

I want my friends to look at themselves and find something THEY love about themselves. Not something their significant other loves, or their kids, but something that makes them look in the mirror and blow kisses to that foxy person staring back. I want pictures, drawings, descriptions of those things. I want to know what YOU love about YOU.

Every Monday, I’m going to post one thing I love about myself, along with a picture if possible. I’m going to pick 10 things that make me beautiful, fierce and amazing.

I want my children to love themselves, but how can I teach them to love themselves, when I barely can? That’s changing.

Join me? Come back every Monday for 10 weeks (if you want) and share your self love.

Push forward

Shoes laced up; hair tied back; earbuds in; Meg and Dia on Pandora, I made my way downstairs.

Start slow.

Music in my ears, motivates me to go. Push through the fact that I’ve never ran, never jogged, that this is the start of a new journey.

Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.

Keep going.

The song changes. A song I recognize and haven’t heard for years. A song that is part of my past. A song from long ago.

*Picture perfect fading smiles are all that’s left in sight
I said I’d never leave, you’ll never change
I’m not satisfied with where I am in life
Am I supposed to be happy?

A song that, once again, resonates with me. Differently.

With all that I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

I start to cry. I push forward.
Breathe.

You said, you said you would die for me…

I run harder. Breathe slower. Cry.

We made plans to grow old

I cry for the girl that only wanted this life. This life of family and love. A girl who never imagined the toll it would take. A girl who never imagined the hurt it could cause.

Believe me, there was truth in all those stories that I told.

A girl who was herself. A girl who was lost when life changed. A girl who I haven’t seen in the mirror in years…
Harder. Breathe. Run.

Where did she go? Disappeared in the titles that were placed on her. Wife. Mother. Everything. Gone. She has been gone.
Faster. Harder. Run. Breathe. Faster. Breathe.

The words echo in my head.

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.*

Air catches in my throat and I have to slow down. Slow to a walk. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Slower now.

The song ends and a new one comes on. Another song from my past. The music is harder. Faster. It reminds me again of the girl who disappeared. I look at my reflection in the glass to my left as I walk…

**Turn around, there’s those eyes again.
Turn around fake indifference and I
Watch their cold, dark silhouettes disappear

I’m changed.

A hundred bodies fill this room

Parts of me changed for the better and I love them.

And their faces over done

But  some parts of me, I miss deeply.

Pain is foreign, foreign to us.
I don’t even know you,
You won’t even know I’m gone.

I want those parts back.

Was it something I did wrong?**

I start to run again. Run harder. Run faster. Look down and watch myself disappear. The me I don’t like. I can see my bright red hair bouncing in the reflective glass next to me. I’m bringing back the old me. And I hope Chris understands. It’s the me he knew I was when we got married. The me I allowed to be changed by titles. So what if she’s the weird me? The “different” me?

She’s a happier me, a me I loved.

She’s coming back.

As the song played on, I pushed forward, running harder, running faster, until I couldn’t breathe anymore.

*Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – “Cat and Mouse”*
**Meg and Dia – “Roses”**

New year, new me

I’m not going to lie to you, with everything that had been going on, I hadn’t really been able to focus on doing the things I wanted to do to better myself. But that isn’t stopping me, and I came up with a better plan to achieve my goals as well. I’m starting again, with more reasonable definitions of what I want to achieve, and as I achieve them, I’ll make new ones. Starting small, and then work my way up. What better time to restart what I decided to call “Project: Me” than the New Year? A fresh start for a fresh year. I guess you can say that these are my resolutions, with hopefully more determination and results than many resolutions receive.

So without further ado.

What I’m GOING to do in 2011:

  • Finish a knitting project and be proud of it
  • Read the Bible (I want to read all religious texts eventually)
  • Enroll in school
  • Organize my life
  • Read at least 25 books
  • Become more aware of what I’m putting in my body
  • Drink less soda, more water
  • Exercise 3-4 times a weeks
  • Get in shape
  • Walk/Run a marathon
  • Join a “mommy and me” playgroup
  • Take a little time for me every week

What are your resolutions?

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